Living and Leading in Kindness
Kindness. It is the 5th word in Paul’s list of the fruits of the Spirit. I’m sure you’ve heard it. “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.” As a Christian leader I often quoted or referenced these words. Yet, they are not easy words to define or live out. They are words that often get confused or defined in other ways. It seems like we often view kindness as simply being nice.
Several years ago, I sat with a significant “Christian leader” who said “Christian’s just like to define people as nice.” Initially when he said this I was puzzled. It seemed like an odd statement. As I pondered the statement, it made me think about the terms and phrases I used to describe others. Is nice really the best term? Is nice really how I want to be seen? Is there a better way for me to live than simply being “nice?”
I was struck this week by the response of Ellen Degeneres when she was seen sitting next to former President George W. Bush at the Dallas Cowboys game. If you haven’t heard or seen what she said you need to google it. Needless to say, a whole host of people were upset that she (a liberal) would sit, engage, talk, and even befriend him (a conservative). Her words though were better than any I’ve heard in years. This is what she said:
"Here's the thing: I'm friends with George Bush. In fact, I'm friends with a lot of people who don't share the same beliefs that I have," DeGeneres continued. "We're all different and I think that we've forgotten that that's okay that we're all different... but just because I don't agree with someone on everything doesn't mean that I'm not going to be friends with them."
"When I say, 'Be kind to one another,' I don't mean only the people that think the same way that you do. I mean be kind to everyone. Doesn't matter."
Unfortunately, I think we often believe that being nice is the answer when what is really needed is kindness. Kindness makes space for those who are different. Kindness looks beyond the differences to see the personhood of the individual. Kindness sees others for who they could be. Kindness wants and assumes the best in others. Kindness values the other and believes that we have more in common than we realize. Kindness might be the best way to live and lead. Living and leading out of kindness could really show others how to treat those who are different than us. What if President Bush and Ellen DeGeneres really were great examples of kindness?
You see, here is my problem, I watched that same “Christian leader” who spoke about people being nice treat others with disrespect, anger, rage, and even abuse. I watched this individual lead in a way that sought to demean, belittle, and dehumanize others to establish authority in the moment. I saw them lie about situations and individuals when the truth would have benefitted everyone more.
I would love to say that this is the only case of an unkind “Christian” that I’ve encountered. The truth is that in my 52 years of life, I’ve seen more than my fair share of un-kind Christians. I had one “Christian leader” call for my job when I was serving as a university chaplain simply because I advocated the belief that we should demonstrate kindness to the LBGTQ community. I’ve seen a “Christian leader” throw objects in a fit of anger. I’ve had “Christian leaders” circulate a letter speaking lies about my work and life simply because we disagreed on how others should be treated. I have witnessed more than once “Christians” (even me) overlook and ignore the abuse and injustices of others simply to maintain their position, or worse, their jobs.
We as individuals speak too often about the importance of kindness only to allow those who are unkind to maintain their roles and positions. We will often sit idly by while others (even at the highest levels of leadership) tweet and speak unkind things about others. It appears that we ignore the real need for kindness, believing somehow that being nice, or worse, achieving our agenda is what really matters.
You might read this and feel like I’m being harsh or unfair. Please know that is not my desire. I was simply struck by the fact that a self-proclaimed gay Hollywood liberal and a conservative former Republican President could demonstrate kindness better than most. Perhaps they are better role models and examples of what it means to be kind than many who proclaim to understand the word.
As always, thanks for joining us on the journey. Please know that if you need a friend, a coach, a mentor, conversation, or a simple word of encouragement I am always available.
In kindness,
Scott
