People - Mindset Distractions

It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people but care more about their opinion than our own. – Marcus Aurelius – Meditations – pg. 162

Pretty quickly in my cancer journey I started to hear weird things from people. I heard that my cancer had been caused from things like my cell phone, the covid shot, specific foods I had eaten or even alcohol. Everyone it seemed had new idea for why I had cancer.

I heard lots of remedies from coffee enemas to having someone’s niece pray for me. The last individual was certain that my lack of faith had kept me from being healed. Needless to say, all of this got a little annoying and sometimes downright funny.

Everyone it seemed had an answer or solution for me. Before too long, I was tired of all the noise and chaos. It didn’t get any better when I had the stroke. In some cases, it got worse. Now the voices and noise were really bothering me. One of the unique things about the stroke was that lights and sounds could be overwhelming. I simply wanted peace and quiet and yet all the world offered me was non-stop noise, thoughts, and opinions. There were actually restaurants and locations that I stopped going because of the overwhelming noise.

Don’t be put off by other’s people comments and criticisms. – Marcus Aurelius

As well, the stroke exacerbated my frustrations with silly conversations about politics, social issues, and the churches ongoing debates about both. The conversations and comments were overwhelming and frustrating. So many comments were ugly and mean lacking any civility or respect. Because of that, I found that I had very little patience for silly meaningless meanderings. On more than one occasion I had to go back and apologize for some unkind word I had said. More often than not, it was not done to be mean, I had just grown tired of the junk.  

People I had respected and considered friends previously had become mean, lacking kindness, empathy and compassion. They blamed all of life’s problems on those who voted differently and made other choices regarding sexual orientation, politics, sports, etc.

I wanted to talk about life not the things that were beyond my control. Politics, faith, and social issues weren’t my immediate problem. My concern was my mind. It wasn’t working and I didn’t want conflict. I wanted people to know that I cared about them, but I didn’t want to fight or debate. I enjoyed a kind, gracious, and caring conversation, but the dehumanizing language and constant demeaning rhetoric had grown irritating. I found that politics, social issues, sports and even the meaningless church conversation held very little value for me.

Not enough of us know how to sit in pain with others. Worse, our discomfort shows up in ways that can hurt people and reinforce their own isolation. I have started to believe that crying with strangers in person could save the world.  – Brene Brown – Braving the Wilderness – pg. 128

You see, what I really wanted was someone just to listen and hear me out. I could muscle through the mental issues in cancer, but the stroke was different. My body worked, but my mind was not working right. Everything was off and I knew it. I remember distinctly one night telling Katie, “I just feel isolated and alone.” It wasn’t that people weren’t there or that they didn’t care. The same family and friends who had been so kind, generous, and faithful throughout cancer were still very present in my life, but my mind was looking for something different.

I simply wanted someone to sit with me, listen to my voice, and share the deepest part of life with me. My mind wasn’t the same and I kept hoping, and expecting it to improve, but it wasn’t moving at the speed I had hoped.

Assume the person you are listening to might know something you don’t. Jordan B. Peterson – 12 Rules for Life - pg. 256

Eventually, I just had to stop and listen. It no longer mattered what people had to say, I simply needed to sit quiet and listen to the world around me. Even today, my mind still struggles if there is too much noise, lights, and activity. Thus, I constantly work to assume the best in those I hear. I choose to listen hoping to hear something new and different. Something that perhaps I’ve never heard before.

The other day Katie and I sat with a long-time college friend. As we talked, he noted that I listen much more than I speak. He said, “you’re still engaged, but you are clearly listening more than looking to entertain everyone.” That is my goal, to simply listen. I’ll choose to speak when the conversation is more beneficial and uplifting. Those who want to simply rattle off dark opinions, conspiracy theories, and ugly views don’t need my words. I’ll choose a different conversation.