The Beautiful Struggle of Going Forward

I can’t believe we are almost to April!  This year is already flying by and I feel a little like my head is spinning.  Honestly, I’ve wanted to write a blog post for a while.  I’ve just been trying to figure out how to put in words where I’m at in life.

I’ve struggled, just to be real with y’all.  Scott’s doing great!  He’s back to traveling for work and seems almost back to normal. My struggles have been with me and figuring out life outside of cancer and all things caretaker.  Life has definitely been different, and mostly in a good way.  Our granddaughter was born just as Scott was finishing treatment.  She is pure joy and we love every minute we get to spend with her!

I’ve been back to seeing a clinical psychologist/therapist regularly and it is proving to be just what I need at this time in my life.  I am one that believes everyone can benefit from good therapy every now and then.  Life is hard and having someone to talk to that’s not emotionally involved in my day to day life is so helpful.  I’ve definitely realized that I still have much unresolved trauma to deal with.  It’s amazing how we carry things with us into our adult lives from when we were younger.

Part of what I’m struggling with is my purpose going forward.  Over the last two years, my priorities have shifted and I’ve found myself not wanting the same things I did before, and even being uncomfortable staying there.  I strive for meaning and connection to what matters most.  I want to travel more.  I want to spend as much time with my family and friends as possible.  I want to inspire and help others in dealing with the ups and downs in life.  Life is passing by so fast and I don’t want to miss out on the important things while I’m on this Earth.         

As well, I’ve been on a journey of deconstructing much of what I grew up thinking about the church and faith.  Being raised in the evangelical church, I just went along with everything I was taught and told.  I never really thought for myself.  I spent so many years living in fear of messing up or being out of the will of God that it paralyzed me.  The rules were emphasized over relationship.  I love the Lord greatly, but don’t always love the church or how it’s people act.   It’s concerning to me that many Christians are more concerned with being right than being kind and loving.  I don’t get it.  We are called to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and to love our neighbors as ourself.  That seems pretty simple to me.  I used to be so judgmental of others who believed or lived differently than I do.  Stepping outside of the box was one of the best things I did to grow in my faith and love toward others.

Basically, I’ve been conflicted about life and all its craziness.  I’m just trying to find my way and be the best version of me I can be.  I’m not perfect and never will be.  I’m a constant work in progress.  One thing I do know though, I’m going to keep moving forward and working on myself.  I strive to be authentic and real; and why I don’t try to sugar coat things.  We get enough of that already on social media, right?  Life is good, and then it’s not.  Sometimes, it’s great, but not always.  And there are many amazing times, but also some tough times in there, too.  That is life, my friend.  I’m thankful we get to share it, in the good, the bad and the ugly.

—Katie